ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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