DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Randomize
