its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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