I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
