why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
