Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
30+ People Share Their Worst ‘Intimate Experience’ And They’re Traumatizing
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!