I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
