Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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