put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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