Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
