3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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