so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
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The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
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I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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