goodnight i made you a song goodbye
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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