I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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