a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
