I wish my penis had an off switch
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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