My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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