Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
