having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
