So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
