You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
