I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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