Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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