Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My vagina just recognized that song.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
