Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
