I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
