So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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