dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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