I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
