I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The best revenge is premature balding
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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