u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
