: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
