I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
