Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Randomize
