His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
