I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
