sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
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She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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