Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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