Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
