I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
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He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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