he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
