i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
