That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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