Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Let's get the cat blown out
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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