I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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