after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
