Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
