I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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