i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
