I want to walk on stilts...naked
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
