M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
