there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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