So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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