And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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