OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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