The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
