I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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