You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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