she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
