there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
