Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Randomize
